Be There First - 40 Unique One Liners For Your Facebook or Twitter Status

To quote my favourite Glasgow Comedian, The Big Yin - like the teacher at a camp for Suicide Bombers says, "I'm only going to show you this once..."

In branding,many companies and professional individuals shy away from humour, fearing it might tip the scale from giving a light hearted view of yourself and your company, to become unprofessional and drive away prospective clients.

Yet there are lots of apps and websites out there that will help you 'artificially inseminate' some humour into your Facebook and Twitter status; Status Shuffle, Funnystatus.com and Funtweets.com to name but a few. The success of such sites and the reason why so many people are currently trawling the net for humour is simply this: with the birth of Social Media Marketing came the realisation that not only is laughter the best medicine, it's also a big selling point, helping to make your company look 'human,' and consistently encourages interaction from past, current and potential customers.

SnowSkool is one such fun loving company that provides Ski and Snowboard Instructor training in France, New Zealand and Canada. Managing Director of SNOWSKOOL Phil Purdie says:

"SnowSkool has always strived to listen to our customers wants and needs. We know our courses are a costly purchase, particularly for those considering a career break or gap year and have always encouraged lots of conversation with potential clients to assist them make the best choices. But in the past eighteen months, we have adopted a new and innovative approach to our social media marketing, introducing light hearted humour in between the everyday posts about life on our ski and snowboard instructor courses. Suddenly, our Facebook page has come alive with comments, post sharing and genuinely enjoyable group interaction. We are listening, responding, having fun and yes, we are making sales. Equally, we are finding our own students are becoming better brand ambassadors than us."

So, if you aren't the illegitimate love child of the great Tommy Cooper and can't deliver a line "just like that," here are 40 unique status updates that are guaranteed to quickly become non-unique if you like and use them so get in there quick! All written by me from my Twitter account @hell4heather - all happily shared for your use or plain old fashioned amusement. In the words of many a Facebook business page, I hope you 'like' them...

Rib Cracking One Liners

1. I know it's sad but I really want to take a slow cruise to China, so I can update my Facebook status with "..is in a real Asian ship."
2. Important announcement: I've just seen the cows going home. We can all stop everything we're doing!
3. My mobile phone keeps telling me it's unable to perform operations. I am relieved. I wouldn't want it to start one on me when i'm not expecting it.
4. I saw a therapist about my body confidence issues & she talked about 'the elephant in the room.' Is this some reverse psychology?!?
5. Being a teen in the 80's has left me with a lot of questions. Like I wonder if Cameo ever found out what the word up was?
6. The mother daughter bond is a strong one but I've just discovered the idiot playing with superglue one is stronger
7. The only time I ever went "AWOL" was after burning my mouth on a very hot chip
8. When someone says "my husband left me for a younger woman," I know it's just an old wive's tale
9. You know, swinging children upside down really opens doors for you
10. It's amazing listening to Italian operatic music, being moved & not really knowing why. Although I think it's because the kids don't like it
11. I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch
12. Finally feeling accepted by my b/f's mum with an invite to a family meal tonight. Bit nervous though. It's been a while since I last waitressed
13. Thanks to Twitter, I can't go anywhere without my mobile. Quick question. Do I take this man to be my lawfully wedded husband?
14. I wonder if Bono has found what he's looking for yet? Although, if your reading this Bono, I'd try down the side of the couch
15. It is said that all things grow with love, but I have found a flash of cleavage helps too. Except with tomatoes....
16. Someone described me last night as a 'cute ball of fun.' It concerns me that they must have got me at a very unfortunate angle
17. I was once stood up by a Policeman. But I was so drunk I fell straight back down again
18. Wearing a shrug, like I just don't care
19. "This love triangle is WAY too complicated" Pythagoras' other woman
20. My kids hate that 'You Can Leave Your Hat On' song by Tom Jones. You do ONE table dance at a parents evening..
21. This WII console is rubbish! I've been crying all day - nothing. Not even a hug
22. You know, I don't think all this time on Twitter WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT WALKING ACROSS THE SCREEN!! has affected me at all
23. You know, I joined People Per Hour over six months ago and they haven't sent me a single person in all that time
24. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's tripods with one leg missing
25. Is it just me that finds the abbreviation for the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons amusing?
26. Listening to radio, poised to call in when I hear George Michael to win a prize. The screeching of brakes outside just cost me £1
27. You can't beat going out with your 19yr old daughter. Its like taking along your before picture
28. The only people that can accurately weigh up the pros and cons are prison guards
29. Whe&n some$one with 0 follow##ers sends me a tweet wit-h a link say0ing "you HAVE t~o see th:is," nothing happens wh$$en you click it right?
30. Being hit on the head with a 'Take That' cd seems inevitable really

If you want some inspiration for dreaming up your own, I often find some of my funniest lines have been founded in real life conversations and occurences. NB I don't lock my children in cupboards and nor do I possess any stripper pants. At least, that's my official line ;-)

1. You know you're a working mum who will be overlooked for promotion when your boss drives you home and your 7yr old calls him "peterpiperpickedapeckofpicklepepper."
   
2. Me: if you burst in here, you're gonna see your mum naked. Son: see, thats why I'm scared to get into internet porn (Yes, he did say that!)
   
3. My daughter jumped out from her hiding place behind the sofa this morning & said "Ooh, I got teleported!" OK I'm zany but LOOK what I made!
4. Overheard in my kitchen just now: "Oh, this is great coffee!" And I'm alone in the house. If anybody wants me, I'll be bonkers
5. Son: I'm making a giant ice lolly with fruit juice Me:Did I say you could do that? Son: Yes. Don't worry we know you forget stuff, its OK
6. My 7yr old recorded herself saying "mum, MUM!" & left it playing near my PC on repeat. Or she's trapped in the cupboard. Will check later
7. Me: I must be losing weight, my knickers keep sliding down. Son: are you sure you're not wearing your stripper pants?
8. Thanks yoga instructor for telling me to 'imagine my chest going down to my thighs.' At 40, I don't need to lean forward to experience this
9. Me: I think I'd like to get a breast reduction. Him: They should make that illegal
10. OK I have a new follower today - a plastic surgery business. That means they looked at my face and thought KERCHING!